11 things I’d like to say to a loved one mourning a loved one

This time of year always makes me think of grief because it’s around the time I lost my father. I wrote this a few years after my father passed away and it was the only way I could actually express how dealing with grief can feel. Firstly because it was easier to speak in the third person and secondly, writing in a quick list format helped me stay on point and not get swept away in too much detail and pain. Even if you haven’t personally experienced loss, reading this might help with loved ones dealing with grief. I once heard someone say that “Grief is unexpressed love”, and that gives me comfort on a daily basis. Hopefully this can shed some light into the lonely journey.

. . .

One

No one will have the right words to say to you. People will panic and say insignificant things to you. Things that don’t mean anything to you at the time.

Be prepared to end up comforting them.

Two

Your friends will never understand or “be on your level” ever again. And you won’t be the same person, nor should you want to be.

Three

You won’t see it now, but mourning your loved one will bring you closer to them than you have ever been with them before.

Four

The funeral (and a few weeks after that) will be the easiest part. People will offer heaps of support, but when months go by (and they seem to move on), that’ll become the hardest. You might even become bitter and resentful towards anyone who seems happy.

The shock will wear off and that’s when you’ll realize that you haven’t been through anything yet. That you were just in shock.

Five

You‘ll bargain.

“If only he went to the hospital earlier”, and bargain, “We should have forced him to be healthier”, and bargain, “Why didn’t I know what was going on??” And bargain, “Why didn’t I ask any questions?” “Why didn’t I tell them I loved them?” “I wish I asked him about everything”.

Six

You’ll talk about them every moment you can. You’ll become obsessed with bringing their name up in conversation and hearing stories about them.

Seven

You’ll realize that they didn’t just die. You’ll start to see that there is life beyond life.

You’ll feel it. You’ll start dreaming of them, smelling them. And even hearing them. Was that their favorite song on the radio again?

Eight

They’ll become your biggest teacher. They die in order to make you grow, that’s their purpose — to change you, to grow you, to toughen you up. They give you the honor (yes, honor), to go through it.

Nine

You’ll realize that things don’t matter.

Things like money, lavish cars, embellished labels and stupid, unimportant items.

You’ll realize that the only thing that’ll mean anything is your memories of them. Hearing their voice again, smelling them again, holding their hand one last time.

Ten

They’ll equip you for anything on the entire earth because, well, you’ve already been through the hardest part, losing them.

Eleven

You’ll open your eyes, you’ll unbottle your heart. You’ll call on them. You’ll ask them to be with you, to listen to you. You’ll feel comfort from them. And you’ll know that they’re right there when you need them.

. . .

Do what you need to do to go through it. Be patient and go through it. The truth is, you’ll always be going through it.